Self-control, self-denial, and self-hate.

Time to get a little emotional on y’all.

Being a big guy, I really strive to maintain a positive outlook on life. I keep my vibe happy as best as possible, and even when I’m not happily vibing along, I put on a show when asked.

It is thoroughly mentally and emotionally draining some days. More often than not, I am actually pretty content with life in general. Sure there are things I want to change, hence my move to become healthy, however overall I can usually be pretty content.

There are days though… days that are trying, days that are hard, days that stretch me to my limits. These tough days, I’m normally at my wit’s end and have trouble coping. These days when I feel like snapping at everyone about every little thing, and it isn’t because they deserve it, it’s because I’m me.

I try to be the Rock of Gibraltar for people, the shoulder to cry on, the support to keep the world moving. And usually this is a semi-easy task for me to do. But when these tough days hit… I just can’t do it. I can’t be the support for everyone else around me when I can’t even support myself.

I think what hurts me the most is that there are days where I subconsciously sabotage myself… I can’t figure it out. I have self-esteem issues for sure. I’m fat, I have bad teeth, and I’ve been single for years now. All of this is my own fault. But even with my faults, I know I deserve to be happy. Yet somehow, I consistently manage to sabotage myself and put myself into stressful situations in life. For instance, in school I tend to procrastinate. I feel that I work better under pressure, however this has bitten me in the backside a few times. Leaving things to the last minute then finding out that some things are not going to work.

The other day I was talking with my mom, she said she was proud of me randomly. I replied with, “Why?” My response was candid and I truly meant it because for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. To date, I’ve yet to do anything astonishingly noteworthy. I’ve never been married, have no children, have moved between jobs for most of my life. Sure, I just recently decided to go for a higher education, and I intend to see it through. However, I don’t know that it’s something to be proud of.

It is nights like tonight that I think to myself that perhaps I should seek counselling semi-regularly. In the end though, I’m me. I always power through these down-troughs in my life that I build and end up stronger for it. Right?

There’s got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now things just feel dark.